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blindandcourageous
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Name: D
Gender: Female
Interests: all artistic pursuits (fashion design, photography, oil painting, studio art, sketching, interior decor, cardmaking, backdrop painting for shows); philosophy; writing; rock music (mainly) as well as R&B; traveling; talking (over-consistently); food (I love French, Japanese, European, and American cuisine, but don't have much of a liking for Chinese food though I am Chinese); nonconformity; the winter (contrary to the summer); peace; video games (Halo 3, COD(1-5), DOA4 anyone?); etc, and etc. I have a very wide range of interests.
Expertise: Art
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/9/2007
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| I've been fighting for far too long but war is not over. Not until the day I die. It is only then that all the chaos in the world will be a thing in the past for me.
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I cannot write on this page anymore. It's been two and a half years since I've first opened up this blog in December 2007 but I realize now that this is a chapter in my book that I must close. No longer can this place be a well for my thoughts or a just simply a place to rest my heart. However, this does not mean that my blogging stops here. I'm only turning the page after all and writing in a new chapter.
The first time I kept my own blog on Xanga was sometime in the year of 2003. Since then, I've opened and closed a number of personal blogs here. Therefore, the ending of this blog is not the first one I've had.
As the years went by after 2003, I enjoyed going back to my various blogs watching my lack of maturity in the sixth grade blossom into something that was a little more bearable to read.
My blogs are phoenixes in their own right-new beginnings rising from the pool of ashes that the previous ones left behind.
It's the beginning of a new chapter elsewhere and the ending of this (particularly dramatic) one here.
You are fully eligible to follow the next one if I deem you trustworthy enough to let you into my heart. Throughout the past three years, I've learned major lessons in trust that could never be unlearned even if I tried.
And so this is my goodbye.
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| To him, my drive and rapidly developing ambition destroyed the girl he used to know. To me, it enhanced and transformed every part of me for the better-an infinitely more able person ready to take on the path ahead. I am the same person I've always been, only more knowledgeable, more aware, a little wiser, and much more sensible.
It is a juxtaposition of creation and destruction, beginning and end-but nothing more.
Art changed me immensely, but changes were inevitable from the start. I always knew I would be metamorphically transformed but I never could have guessed the full impact of letting art take over my life. And whether these changes are a call for my end or the start of something better, it doesn't matter. Either way, I would have chosen to stay on this solitary road. | | |
| For the time being, I don't think I'll be putting much thought into my writing. After a night of naps in the car that never lasted more than a few minutes each time I slept, I don't believe being fully awake is an option.
Just now, I read an entry that my best friend wrote on her Xanga about her falling and being in love with her boyfriend. It's really sweet and puts a smile on my face..She is after all, the most cynical person I know. What more could I say about a girl who psychoanalyzes everything? For her-of all people-to say that she finally believed that love could be truly felt as a young person-is an amazing feat. She was one of those who waved away all kinds of young love as fallacies once.
All her words in her entry remind me of this one love I had in the past. One that has been gone for so long, it has become nothing but an incredible memory of something I once thought I'd never be able to have for myself. In short, it was a dream lived in my reality. The years afterward, I found love in other people but there was never a love as unforgettable as the one I had three years ago.
It was such a powerful feeling then, that the impact of the fall caused my heart (and his) to shatter into pieces.
Alex did not want to end the relationship. But he did so, out of filial piety. His everlasting obedience to his father and aunt was always placed at a higher priority than our relationship was. Even when he tried so hard to pretend I meant nothing to him at the end, I knew he was lying. I don't even know why he bothered since he knew me well enough to know that I was practically a walking lie detector. I thought that it was perhaps his last gesture of love. A gesture of protection. Two years later, I found out that all my thoughts were right all along.
It's been over a year since Alex and I were together for the second time around. I think we needed that month together though it was short-lived. We both needed a final close to a love we never found elsewhere. And the second time around, we saw how much we changed...especially how much I changed from the ninth grade. He had grown too weak emotionally while I had grown to be confident and became much stronger as a person while we were apart. I have to say though, that it was the only way for us to finally end that chapter of our lives properly. A second time around. Although our relationship ended, it was definitely unregrettable. Seeing that Jackie is in such an intense relationship now makes me: 1. Happy to see her smile :). 2. Remember things that once meant the world to me. 3. Proud of her for having the courage and will to be in such a relationship. Many people are afraid of love or are philophobic in some way or another. It could be the fear of committment, the fear of how they'd change as people after being in love, or a multitude of other things. Rational fears, of course. But I applaud those who do have the courage to go forward with love-true love, that is-not lust. I do not have the will or energy to wield that sort of courage in my heart anymore myself. | | |
| I found that recently, I've been writing more about personal matters rather than writing about my perspective on general things I think about that viewers could relate to.
Anyway, I'm on my iPhone and am going to write this quickly before heading back to sleep.
Momentarily the sun will be fully rising. It's already halfway there and it's as if I were watching an egg yolk peek through the rims of purple/pink pieces of cotton. Except that this egg yolk is blinding.
What seemed bizarre but at the same time overtly comforting to me was the fact that no one whom I saw strolling the beach was with a lover or spouse. Everyone was by themselves for the most part. Solitude and a good time can truly be found alone, it seems. Even when the stars light up the night next to that creamy-white moon or there's something incredibly romantic to be seen, the people viewing it all are by themselves. I didn't see any couples line the sunrise-lit beach below my balcony until the sun was in full color but still hovering over the horizon line.
Honestly, I liked it this way. No feelings of loneliness were imparted on me like this. My watching this beautiful sunrise alone only seems to cement the image of my life lived in solitude. | | |
| When you look at the person you fell the hardest for, what are your thoughts? How do you feel seeing them with someone else?
Looking at the person I fell for the most with somebody else would reassure me that he's happy without me. To really get over a relationship like what we had, he'd have to kick me out of his life. Sometimes I wonder if he would be happier without my presence-it would be much easier for him to see the beautiful girls around him without a nasty blockade around-in this case, the blockade being me. I'd honestly be happy if he were happy. It's all that I could really ask for.
I still don't understand why you love me and probably never will. | | |
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